Greetings to all... and Happy Halloween.

First, let me say that this is an entirely selfish venting session, and I apologize ahead of time - so, please, don't feel the need to respond. And, quite honestly, I'm sure there are many who will think I'm just sounding like an entirely whiny child. I'm feeling as though I need to type this all out though because it's clouding my sanity at the moment, and I need to put it somewhere that the "judgers" in my life will not have the opportunity to hold against me. That said, here I go...

I'm feeling extremely frustrated right now. I don't want to go into the whole long and sordid tale because it could take me days to write it all out, but I can summarize relatively briefly by stating that my entire life I was brought up being told that I could not do anything artistic (or to further explain, basically I was told that I wasn't good at anything). My family (parents, siblings, etc.) are people who are very functional, sane individuals, who live in a world of the concrete. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, and I can't even begin to tell you the number of days, weeks, months and even years I have spent wishing and hoping that I could be the same way. For most of my life, I've been able to convince myself that I was just like them or maybe it's that I believed I could force myself to be like them. You see, anything creative is basically viewed as unnecessary. I recall telling my mother toward the end of high school that I wanted to go to art school. She laughed and said, "What would you do with a degree in art?" On some level, I had to agree with her. I had never taken art classes (with the exception of a few of those days in elementary school when they'd bring in an art teacher for a specific project and one class I took in high school) and really the only artistic things I've done in my life have been on my own time, and have never included drawing, painting, etc (what I would term the "classic arts") until this year.

I am 31 years old (I know, I'm not old - but feeling too old to be having this melt down) and feel constantly at odds with myself because I believe that there is creativity in me and that I will never be satisfied with my career unless I have the freedom of expression that I sorely need. After feeling closeted all of my childhood and teenage years, and even into adulthood, I guess I'm feeling that I just don't know how to find my medium. In part, I think a lot of my frustration comes from having to start at the beginning. Most people who have this innate creativness find an outlet for it at a young age (not all, but most). I feel as though I have spent my life searching for this "thing" that never makes itself known. I always believed that there would be a teacher or a good friend or someone who would be able to say to me, "THAT is what you're supposed to do with your life." I suppose this really has little to do with drawing itself (as any of you have seen my attempts can attest to - I am not good at this, though I will continue to practice and try to improve), but rather my inability to let go of the thoughts that haunt me from childhood. It's almost as though I'm afraid to try things because always in the back of my mind I hear my mothers voice telling me that it's frivolous and silly.

I am approaching a time in my life when I will have the opportunity in the very near future to return to school and pursue whatever avenue I would choose. I have spent the last 10 years attempting to get to a place that would allow me to do this, and now I don't know what to do. I feel as though I can't pursue art because I believe that if I were to go into a college level course (even a beginning level one), I would be laughed out of the room. I know there are many forms of art and many different avenues I could pursue, but I know that I do not want to spend several more years pursuing something that I may never achieve. I realize education has value in and of itself and that learning is an important part of growth, but I can't even begin to express the fear I have of people making fun of me. It's a completely immature and nearly psychotic fear, but it's very real for me. I mean, I am even sitting here crying as I type this out because I just feel so incredibly lost and unsure of myself. My husband, the dear that he is, tells me that he knows I can do anything that I want to do, and that I cannot be afraid to try things because I believe there are others who are far better than me. I want to believe that, but I feel like I just can't undo all of the years of damage from the past.

I am a big believer in everyone being born with certain personality traits and even a personality "type." When I read about mine, having these insecurities is very common for others who share this type (and even many who are of different personality types), but the worst (I think) personality trait is being my own worst critic. Nothing will ever be good enough, and because of this, I find that I easily want to give up on things. I think back through my childhood when I wanted to do ballet. My mother enrolled me in the classes, I went for about 6 months and then decided I hated it and didn't want to do it anymore. In reality, I didn't hate it. I actually loved it and my teacher even thought I had great potential. But, as soon as I felt like I was falling behind the others, I wanted out. Then, there was piano lessons. I started taking lessons at a very young age and, off and on, I continued them through my early teens. As soon as things got difficult though, I wanted to stop and do something else. Guitar, several occupations and writing top the list of "deceased" activities in adulthood. I suppose it just seems that I can't finish anything... but, I know that isn't true. I've finished many things in my life, but they've all been things that I felt I was better able to complete than those around me. So, is this how I'm going to spend my life? If I feel that there are so many others better suited to the task then I will never try to complete it? It scares me... truly. I can't live my life in fear of rejection or someone having their independent thoughts about my work. Afterall, that is who I am - independent and a free-thinker - and I would never want someone to stifle that in me. I just don't want it all to affect me so deeply and I'm not sure how to turn that off - or rather, how to make it work for me.

Anyway, I feel a bit lighter now and I appreciate having the space to get this off my chest. Perhaps a good nights' rest will give me perspective and help me see, or start to see the right path.

Poetess,
First of all, it's never too late to try something new. You have been artistic and creative in your life. Your sceen name says a lot. I assume that somewhere there is a pile of poems, whether they see the light of day or not. Ballet, piano, guitar, writing, these are all creative, artistic endeavors. In any thing one attempts, there will always be someone better than you in some way. (Dare I point out the old masters in either music or art.) Art in all it's forms is an expression of the artist, it is not good or bad, it's an expression of feelings made manifest in movement, color, sound or words. The creativity comes out because you must express yourself. You just did so in your post.
I, myself, am 49. I just started drawing about a year ago, maybe less. I'm horrible at it, in my opinion. Yet, others have praised my efforts as being good. Artists, creative people, are notorious for not ever feeling that their work is good enough. But, that is not the point, being good enough. Good enough for what? Art is not done for others, it's done for self, because one is drawn to create.
I am going to point out a very good book about releasing the creativity inside of you. It's called "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. I borrowed it from the library and now have bought myself a copy since I decided that it was worth working thru the book. I have finished week 1 and am working on week 2.
And you are very lucky to have a supportive spouse. They are an invaluable asset when one is discovering who you are. I know because I have one too. In fact I don't think I would have the courage to tackle the issue of being an artist and finding out who I am without my husband's support.

Debby

Hmm... I believe that art is something you do for yourself. I know that every time I sit down to create I do it because I truly enjoy the process, and the challenge. I rarely finish any of my more ambitious pieces, but it doesn't matter to me because I enjoyed the time I spent on it, and I learned something with it too. Out of everything I create, very little of it sees the light of day. And that's alright, because I don't draw or paint for other people

When I put my art out there for people to see, everyone has been kind, even with criticisms. I'm sure you wouldn't be 'laughed out of the room' if you tried a college course. Remember, the rest of them will be in the same boat as you. And if your work receives constructive criticism, accept it, listen to what they have to say (because others will spot things you have missed), and learn from it. And never feel disheartened, because there are no rights or wrongs to art. It's rewarding from the very first day you set out, too. There's no set point where you will never get any better, either. Even those great famous artists continued to change and grow throughout their careers.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I think you should go all out and get drawing, or painting, or whatever takes your fancy. If you want to get creative, then do it! I'm a firm believer in doing exactly what I want to do, to hell with what everyone else thinks. If it'll make you happy, then do it

Debby,

Thank you so much for your reply. It's funny that you brought up "The Artist's Way." I was reading a blog (completely randomly) about a week ago and the individual happens to be an actress in Los Angeles and was stating that she highly recommends the book to anyone with any sort of desire to be creative. I had started off on Saturday to pick up a copy and got involved in other activities. As I am such a believe in signs, perhaps this is mine to follow up on the original mission. Someone is trying to get me a message that apparently I am ignoring. And, you are quite right... there are piles of poems tucked away that few have ever read. It is difficult to share anything when I don't see it as "good" or maybe not even that it's not good, but that I feel is always unfinished.

Anyway, I appreciate you taking the time to write. I do feel MUCH better this evening than I did last night - though I have to admit the thoughts still lurk.

Thanks again!
Poetess





Lizzeh,

Thank you also for your reply. I love that Drawspace is here, and (with the exception of one comment in the gallery) people have been quite kind to me and actually encouraging. I am so grateful that there are so many individuals, of all different levels in their drawing, sketching, painting, etc, who are willing to give constructive feedback. It's good to hear (well, read) and though I don't comment much, I really enjoy seeing what others have done. I appreciate you saying that there isn't a right or wrong - this is exactly what my husband tries desperately to tell me, but it's difficult to comprehend at times - if that makes sense.

I do thank you, and each person who takes the time to comment on all of the art work and thoughts here.

Poetess

Poetess,
I believe you are right that you are being sent a message about the book. Synchronicity is part of "The Artist's Way." I think you should probably get a copy of the book, whether bought or borrowed, depending on funds. Just reading thru it helped me a lot. That is why I decided to follow the program the author lays out. I figured that if just reading it helped, how much more could I get out of it, by doing.
I urge you to follow your dream of going to art school. If you don't you'll wonder your whole life, what if I did go to art school when I had the chance. And with anything like school, there is the commitment to finish. You owe yourself the courtesy of finishing. You are as important as anyone else.
Keep us posted on how things go for you. If you need to rant again, please do so. There is a wonderful community of artists here. We've all been there in the dark of our soul when we felt alone. (How about that, I said we, like I'm an artist too. See what happens when you let the creativity out of the bag?) Good luck to you on your quest.

Debby