I am very sorry for being gone with no word ....I am so glad that so many of you cared to post my absents ...it is scary when you make friends online and then they are gone for a time and thoughts go through your head ....I know it has happened to me ...and I am so very sorry if I made anyone of you worry .
I want to share something and no need to feel sorry for me I am trying to deal with these things as they come and go in my life .
I have lost a great number of people to whom I love in this past year .....first my step dad Phil he died the same way I lost my father ....sleeping and at too young of age he was taken from us and my mom ....my father was 45 many years back when he died .. my step dad was 61 .
then on my brothers birthday my aunt and uncle were murdered in my cousins home ...named the st. johns murders ...they were here visiting from arizona and had just been staying at my moms house ... the night they went to St Johns someone shot and killed my uncle then went after my aunt .. the family was is distress and still is as the killer has not been found ....crime stoppers local police ...have no leads even with the reward money .
I went with a friend to his cousins home ( he was suffering from cancer and was given a short time to live .. ) he called while we were out and was scared .. my friend ask if I would mind stopping by .. I was in no way wanting him to waste his time dropping me off .. so we went .. I had met this guy in full health and now to look at death it was sad .. broke my heart .. brought back thoughts of the people I missed ....it was rewarding as I sat and was able to calm him .. I held his hand he looked me in the eye and said .. Kim I am scared .....my heart broke ..what do you say ....once he was calm .. my friend was going to take me home ..I told him to stay I called for a ride ....I hugged him .. and my heart told me he was not going to make it through the night . I got a call in the middle of the night and it was my friend in tears ...he ask me to come to the service because his cousin (Boyd) really took to me ....I wrote a poem for the family that day something I do when I feel down or lose someone close to me ...or when death just makes no sense .
shortly after this I got a call .. that my other uncle .....my last uncle had died I....he was older late 70's but by no means was ready to leave this world ...at his funeral ... believe it or not .. during the whole thing .. no word was said about him .. nothing really .. only his date of birth and death ....that he was serving with the salvation army .. thats it ... not what a great guy he was how he made you feel good with his smile . with death being a part of my life for the past year I said too hell with this crap ! on the way to the cemetary I wrote on the back of my cable bill a Eulogy fit for a king ....mentioning all the great things about him ..once i got to the cemetary i walked up to the preacher and said I had something to say at first he looked at me but I told him .. HE is MY uncle ... once in front of all the people I read my words ...looking each one in the eyes i said ....now it is ok to say good bye .. no way was i letting go with out anyt words of how wonderful of a person he was .
Hoping all was over ..this being just befor christmas ....my sister gets in a car crash .. totaling out her car ....no seat belt .. face hit the windshield .....thank GOD she was ok and was the other driver .
Now that i have shared this with Everyone ....I do feel better .. I am normaly a very private person but was told once by a DS friend that I should share this .... so here it is ...a small window into my life ...please do not feel sorry for me just understand that I at times may step away for reasons I know now people will understand .

Here is one poem I wrote for my cousins ...for my mom .. and mostly for my aunt Vi and uncle tom who were taken from this world by anothers hand .

It hurts a lot , deep down inside.
Unfortunately there is no place for our emotions to hide.
I go to speak but nothing comes out…
Even though, its all I can think about.
When people hurt, especially when I know them…
My mind runs wild and I start writing a poem.
I could write of pain and mourning and sorrow…
Even express the need for a brighter tomorrow.
I like to give everyone just a little hope…
To each is unique in the way that we cope.
But this loss comes in such an unspeakable way…
All I can think to do now is to kneel down and pray.
Pray for the strength to guide you through…
That is the least thing I can do.
I and so many others would give up our things…
If to only have them delivered back to us on angels wings.
But that cant happen as we face this hideous crime…
On July 2 was the end of two loved ones time.
We may never have the answers and the days will seem long…
But know this for sure, they will be with you, in a cloud, in the wind and even a song.
They are now in your hearts locked securely away…
The key is your promise to never let their memory fade from your day.
Our condolences are with you, there is nothing more I can say…
But your all in our hearts in a most special way.

Kim, I don't know what to say - I guess there's nothing to say except "I'm sorry you've had to deal with so much."

Even when you think people don't care, they do.

J

Kim consider yourself hugged. You are a very brave person... not only in that you face all this but also have the courage to share it.

You did well to write about it... it gives you relief ... it gives us an insight into the suffering of others that we so very often forget.

Just promise us one thing... to take care of yourself too.

Thank you J and Rose .....I do try my best to take care of myself ...I know we all go through things and we keep them inside for whatever reason ... but Venus and I talk alot out of DS and she thought I should do this that maybe it would help ..

Kim, I don't have the words to say how I feel. But you must be a very strong person to cope with all this.
Your story and poem made me cry. I'm glad you posted it because sometimes just writing it down on paper helps a tremendous amount. I agree with Rose. You know that everyone at DS will be there for you. I think that your absence from the boards caused a bit of worry because you had posted that your hubby was sick and there was a bit of concern. I'm beginning to think of the DS members as a familty extension. When you talk with people all the time, you can't help but care about what is happening in their lives. Thank you for caring enough to share it with us.

Hugs, Joanie

Life is difficult to deal with sometimes, especially when the bad comes in waves as it has for you recently. I'm sorry that you had to face death in so many areas in your life. It never is easy.

Writing is cathartic and I'm sure getting it into words has helped you.

kim i am so sorry for all. i can relate with the loss of my dad 9 years ago. i still grieve for him. it is very hard. i had lost my brother a year later. there is nothing to say to make you feel better, if there was i would say it. im here for you if you want to talk or whatever. just email. i am so proud of you to get up in front of everyone and talk about your uncle. that was such a great thing. and believe or not it will help you with all of your grief. please take care.
Lori

Dear Kim:

My prayers and blessings are with you.

Judyvan

Kim,
I think your family is lucky to have someone as strong as you to help them through such a bad time. I am glad that you have Venus to talk to and all of us here at drawspace as well. I hope you also have someone close at home to talk to. Your in my prayers.
Paulette

Thanks alot you guys ... I do feel better writting it out .. I keep a journal and that helps alot ....again thanks

Kim I am so proud that you decided to share this with everyone and sorry for your losses. You are a very strong person. I hope one day if I have to deal with everything you have gone through I can be as strong as you. Sorry its taken so long to reply...I have been sick since I woke up saturday morning with a god aweful sore throat and ear ache. So needless to say I am still not feeling much better but have been sleeping so much I am wide awake. Can't swallow, and it sucks. I am glad to see you back!!!

Dear little Kim, hun.... It seems a lot of us can relate and empathize with your burdons. I had a favorite cousin that was brutally beaten to death by 3 men in San Francisco (whom were never caught) and we were just 24.. I never got over it. Then in 1991, my dad died, 4 months later, my future mother in law died, and 20 days later, my fiance was shot in the back of the head in a gun accident and died on the front lawn with what was left of his head, in my lap, I kept yelling for help and trying to keep his dog from eating his brains that were all over both of us and the lawn, all the while , I was trying to put him back together like Humpty Dumpty..... I know exactly what it's like, little darlin'. I am so very sorry for your grief...

I see you search, I see you cry,
I see the anguish in your eye,
I hear no sound but see a trace
of tear drops slipping down your face.

I cry for you,
I cry for me,
We cry for things
no one can see..

I feel you....

This is actually what I want to say:


Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum, Bring out the coffin... let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle, moaning overhead, Scribbling on the sky the message: He is Dead.
Put crepe bows 'round the necks of public doves, Let traffic policemen wear black, cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East, my West.
My working week and my Sunday rest.
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song, I thought love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now, put out every one.
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour out the ocean and sweep up the wood, For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W.H. Auden.

Do not mourn, for the sun shall still rise and fall, rejoice in the knowlege that you were fortunate enough to have known these great people. They gave you part of themselves, and through that they live on in memory, be happy to have known them, not sad that they are gone.

RJS

I know you said "no need to feel sorry" but it hard not to.

that is the most beautiful poem i think i have ever read rjs.
Lori

Yes.. That was a great poem. I am okay with death. I believe that everyone goes when it's their time. I don't always like the way they go, but we all go. My brother owned mortuaries until he retired, so I have always been around death and grief. But I also have a strong religious upbringing and that helps a lot. It still hurts and everyone has their own way of handling grief, but I am one of the first to empathize and understand..

This is for all of us:

As I light this candle and say this prayer I weep for you.
As I light this candle the flame represents the compassion I feel for you.
As I light this candle I say "I am sorry" with my heart.
As I light this candle I reflect on those who have gone before me.
As I light this candle I weep for those of us left behind.
As I light this candle You are held in the arms of compassion.
As I light this candle I extend my hand in comfort, my heart in sympathy, my soul in mourning.


Kim you are a very compassionate person. It shows so clearly in your words and in your actions. While I do not feel sorry for you I do sympathize for you. it is so hard to lose the meaningful people in our lives. The voids left in our hearts get larger and larger by those who are gone. HUGS Kim. And Kim, Hun, that peom touched me so much. The courage to write it and to make it public. I don't know what to say except Thank You for sharing so much of yourself.


Cyn HUGS to you as well. I can't even begin to imagine how you coped, let alone got on with your life as it seems you have so clearly done. Amazing.

RJS that was beautiful!! I need more tissues now.

I dont even know what to say ... tears in my eyes as I try to see the keys .. death is a part of life we all have to deal with ..thank you all for the poems and support ...Cyn I dont know what to say ...I have been there and sometimes words just cant be spoken hun .
Thanks everyone .